Avoiding conflicts at all costs, we threaten the relationship – KOVA DESIGN

Avoiding conflicts at all costs, we threaten the relationship

Does it happen that you do not dare to express your discontent to your partner and just silently worry? Or behave passively aggressively? Or even fall into depression, because you are afraid that your anger can destroy relationships? And by the way, is it possible at all? Maybe everything is just the opposite: digging dissatisfaction in ourselves, we put an alliance under the threat?

Whether the anger destroys the relationship? “By itself – no,” the clinical psychologist Suzanne Philips is sure. – Anger is a completely natural feeling, and in itself it does not harm. “. According to the theory of attachment, its reliable type (for example, between a mother and a child or between romantic partners) is different in that it makes it possible to express discontent without fears to cause a outbreak of anger in another person, and even more so destroy relations.

But if you feel that arguing with a partner or http://www.susqcoindy.com/PS/2017/06/28/cabot-royalties-top-1b/ openly angry at him is unsafe, then the relationship itself is unreliable and unsafe. At the same time, obey the pressure, force yourself to be silent, to save in the soul of resentment – not a way out. The study, in which 4000 subjects took part, showed that suppressed anger in women and constant power struggle in men increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases no less than smoking or high cholesterol.

Anger itself is not harmful – it all depends on how you express it and demonstrate it. If you lose control over it, it becomes destructive. How to avoid this?

Most of those who are afraid to openly express anger in relationships will say that in this way they avoid the worst – quarrels that can destroy everything. If your relationship is saturated with this fear, you should think about alternative strategies that will help you manage anger and rethink its meaning.

Anger management strategies

Watch yourself

When we are angry with a partner, our first instinctive desire is to make him change. However, for the effective management of anger, you need to start with yourself. Your partner will not be able to quarrel with you without your participation, will not be able to return to the usual destructive behavior templates if you begin to react in a completely different way. But when your brain is in the “battle” mode, you are not able to think clearly, your goal is to survive.

Press the pause

When something causes severe irritation, stop. Take a deep breath. This is a moment of awareness. Deep breathing reduces the stressful reaction of the body at the level of physiology, which makes it possible to comprehend your experiences – for example, understand the true causes of its anger: fear, shame or fatigue.

Having left the state of stressful overexcitation, you can turn off the “Beat or Run” mode and regain your ability to think clearly. Constantly practicing, you will cease to succumb to instinctive reactions and you can consciously choose how to behave.

You will have the opportunity to think: perhaps you provoke a partner, and because of this he does not perceive the idea that you want to convey to him. Or maybe you react too violently, creating unnecessary chaos instead of making clarity.

Nothing human is alien to us, but in our strength – at any moment to stop. Before reacting, say: “Give me a moment”. Sit down, drink a glass of water, stop rushing. If, after a quarrel, you hid each other and stopped talking, use the moment and analyze why you got so angry and reacted.

Look at the situation wider

Before quarrel, during and after it, it is always worth remembering what is currently happening in your life and with a partner. In many cases, this will help you not to rush unjust accusations and not to fall into anger.

This does not mean at all that you should be silent or tolerate the cruelty and inappropriate behavior of the satellite or spouse. But if he or she forgot to pay in accounts or smashed the car, try to look at things wider. Is it worth it to quarrel because of this? Accusations and shame will not lead to anything good.

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